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True Love Never Dies

If you have been directed to this site, it is because you have sent me an e-mail regarding my webpages about Scott and our relationship. First of all, let me say how much I have appreciated all the people who have written such kind words. I will probably add a few of the quotes (anonymously of course) that have meant the most to me at the bottom of this page. I also want to stress that it is not that I do not want to talk to everyone that has e-mailed me, I welcome the input and kind thoughts. But the one question that I have gotten repeatedly was the circumstances of Scott's death. I have found that some days I just don't have it in me to tell the story, relive it if you will, again. So I thought that this page would be a better way to handle it. I do not find talking about Scott or our relationship painful at all, but his death was just one day in 14 years of love.

I can not say that it was one thing that led to Scott's death. We had a really hard couple of months, but not with each other. It seemed that nothing could just go smoothly. I had a miscarriage that put me in the hospital for a week, that led to some serious health problems for me, including the need for surgery. It should also be noted here that Scott had Muscular Dystrophy, and had a lot of chronic pain, and problems. His medications ran around $600/month, which was more than our rent. I think he often thought that his condition was a burden to me, or that it might become one, as his mother who has the same condition ended up in leg braces or wheelchair later in her life. So, his health problems, the financial and physical burden they put on him I think were really starting to weigh him down.

Our next misfortune was the clutch went out on our only vehicle. We were without any form of transportation for nearly six months. We lived very close to his work, but the lack of transportaion made trips to the doctor and even to the grocery store, very difficult.

It finally seemed that one thing would finally go right, as he had been at his job a year and was finally eligable for health insurance. He worked building computers for Hewlett Packard. We got enrolled in the health insurance, and had found a really good primary care provider. He was referring me for the surgery I so desperately needed, and was taking very good care of Scott and his Muscular Dystrophy,even though we were riding the bus to get to him. Sometimes even walking to the bus stop was hard for Scott with his condition.
Then the unthinkable happened, Scott and about 200 others got laid off and Hewlett Packard instituted a two year hiring freeze so even though they were on the top of the list to be hired back, it would be at least two years. He searched high and low for a new job, but things had just dried up in the DFW area, plants had closed down, and he could not find another job in his field after looking for over a month. It also meant that we lost our health insurance, which meant I would not get the surgery that I needed and he would lose the regular visits to the doctor that he needed. I know he felt like he had failed me in some way because of this, although I constantly reassured him that it was not his fault. I will say that I am grateful for that last month with him, because when he wasn't out looking for a job, we were able to spend all our time together, which is what we both always wanted. He used to say that he wished we were rich, not for anything that money could buy, except time together. It should also be noted that we had no support from our families whatsoever. His family had always disliked me, and had taken an active role to try to keep us apart. He was trying to heal the relationship with his grandmother, however, he had started a letter to her July 30, but he died August 8th before he could finish it.

The day of his death was a bad pain day for me. I hadn't been able to get up and was feeling quite hopeless myself. I had gone to sleep, and when I got up I noticed that he had been in the bathroom a really long time. I finally managed to get the door open, and found that he had taken his own life.

What bothers me most, is that people have indirectly said that he must have been miserable for quite some time, or extremely depressed. That I was blind to it, or even worse, that I some how drove him to it. None of that is true. The whole week before had been really great. August 4th, just four days before he died, we had stayed up and created the Cemeteries website. We loved historic cemeteries, and if I was up to it, we had a trip planned that Sunday to take more pictures. He had also gotten concert tickets for us for a concert that was two weeks away. I know that he just had an impulsive moment, and had he waited five minutes, that feeling would have passed. I do not believe the way he died in any way invalidated the way we lived, or the way we loved, no matter what anyone might think. He was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life, and I know we loved in a way most people only dream about.

If I had known what troubles you were bearing;
What griefs were in the silence of your face;
I would have been more gentle, and more caring,
And tried to give you gladness for a space.
I would have brought more warmth into the place,
If I had known.

If I had known what thoughts despairing drew you;
(Why do we never try to understand?)
I would have lent a little friendship to you,
And slipped my hand within your hand,
And made you stay more pleasant in the land,
If I had known.

-Mary Carolyn Davies If I Had Known

Here are some really special words from other people who have written me, that have really meant a lot to me:

"I believed after what I saw from the pictures you have posted, your relationship with Scott was so much in love, a mutual love. and that is why I was so compelled to write you. I am deeply sorry to hear why Scott is no longer with you. Having a crippling disease can give a person a whole new outlook. My grandmother, 6 years ago, found out she had bone cancer, and she was in so much pain, she wanted to die. If this means anything to you Vanessa, many, many, many people go through a lifetime of 85 years never knowing what it is like to have a deep passionate love with someone who feels EXACTLY the same way about them. You had this Vanessa, and I beleive that is one of the greatest things you are going to have FOREVER! No one can ever take that from you!"
-Jennifer

"I could tell he loved you just by his actions that you wrote about. The little things like, never letting you carry anything heavy, never letting you go from the first time you met, etc. It's in everything you've written about him. It's what every woman in the world wants. You were very lucky to have a man that loved you so much. I'm even more convinced now that you told me how he died of how much he loved you. I'm actually a little jealous of how Scott treated you. Every woman wishes she could be treated that way by the man she loves. LOL It's funny, my husband and I went to the grocery store and Wal Mart tonight and I was helping carry in things and as I was bringing in the 20lb of dog food I wondered if Scott would have let you do that. It's so strange that I think of you and him so often. Your story has touched me and made me really think about life."
-Gina

"I think the site you made is a real nice way to pay respect to your Husband and if I ever get in the same situation, I hope I'd have the strength that you have to do the same for my wife. I won't keep you long but I just wanted to say how beautiful your family and your site is. Have a good day and hang in there."
-Sincerely, Joe

"I'm so sorry for your loss. I was out looking for lyrics to love songs, and it gave me this site. I was completely clueless as to what this site was all about, until I got to the section where you list "Never Get To...". Finally I understood. I am so sorry that you hurt so much. If there is anything I can do, please write and tell me. I'm very willing to help. I'll be praying for you."
-Sincerely, Sarah

"I was browsing and found your site. It is the most wonderful thing I have ever found on here...I am so sorry for your loss..but you have something to carry with you for the rest of your life...love and that's something that not many people get the chance to ever have...I just thought I would let you know my prayers are with you and ur family..and thank God for you your hunny's memory lives on..I'm in such tears but this is great...I'm sure you touch so many people by this..maybe you even open up alot of eyes to love...those that were afraid to care maybe can let their hearts open up....you're a courageous lady..God bless you..."
-Kandie

"Ma'am--
I just wanted to say I stumbled onto your site because I was looking for the lyrics of "Moonlight Drive"...your site gives me faith in true and unconditional love. Thank you for sharing your love."
This came from a Westpoint Cadet

"Your site is filled with warmth and the beauty of love---it is truly inspiring and touching. Words cannot describe it. I was really moved---you are a beautiful person, in spirit according to your words and ideas, and also in your photos. Take care."
-Martin

"Happy valentines day! I found your web site just looking for lyrics. For what it's worth, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your site is beautiful--- I teared up looking at it. I hope you find that type of love again. Take care."
-Eric

"While searching for the lyrics to Guns 'N Roses song Estranged last night, I came across your website. I do not believe I have ever been moved the way I was after visiting your website. I could truly feel the amount of love Scott and you had for one another. You have made an amazing tribute to someone who meant the world to you and I appreciate you allowing me into your lives, thoughts and feelings. As silly as this may sound, I feel like a better person now after visiting your site. So until the day you meet again, may God bless you and your children and give you all the happiness in the world. I hope someday that I can be half the man, father, and human being that Scott was."
Very Respectfully Yours,
-Christopher

"All I really know how to say about your site is WOW! It's so touching that after I left I felt like I'd lost my own brother. Your devotion and love is just amazing to me. I've been with my husband for 15 years and can't see me being that strong. You are one amazing woman, and please know that I hold you in the highest regards and think of you as a true angel here on Earth. I can't tell you the flood of emotions I have right now, nor can I describe how much I truly admire you. Thank you for helping me regain focus on my life and on my marriage. I know in the day to day life we tend to loose site of what's important, and you've helped me see that again.
I wish you all the best, and I hope that you life will be full of love and happiness from now on."
With all the respect in the world,
-BethAnn

You are the person to visit


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