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"The end will come quickly now, my love. There is a pain beyond pain, an agony so intense, it shocks the mind into instant beauty. We will find immortality together, and they will remember me through you."

-Vincent Price

Never get to:

Ride a Fat Boy to Sturgis, go to Mardi Gras, go back to Galveston and the 'Ocean Vue', be with you on the beach, never get to cook for you again, watch your face light up with every bite, never get to nuzzle your neck, or sleep on the top of your chest, that place I love, listening to your heart beat (babies don't sleep that good), I don't really sleep at all now, never get to see, touch or tickle your sweet 'elf feet' again, never get to find you the socks with bells I always wanted to, never get to 'dog fit' you again, never get to fly in a plane with you (you never got to fly at all), or join the 'Mile High Club', never go back to Vegas, how on our honeymoon you said that it would "Be our place" and we would go there once a year, just the two of us, to remind us of how happy we were when we were getting married, never get to take you to Bandolier or Lincoln, or the Hot Air Balloon raly in Albuquerque, never get to teach me or see me ride a horse, never get to drive a truck or trailer across the country, never get to see you get the tattoos you so wanted- the dolphin, The Crow, Roy's butterfly
never get to eat donuts again, never get to go back to Carlsbad, take the kids with us like we wanted, never get to go river rafting down through the Grand Canyon, never get to have your head in my lap while I cut your sideburns, never get to buy you that watch, never have you protect me, keep me safe again, from thunder and life in general, never get to see you fire a shotgun, or kick Paul's ass, never get to watch you with the kids again, watch your face light up, never have you 'give' me another song, never get to do our Sunday historic cemeterey trips again, never get to hear your sweet voice again (how I used to dream of it when we were apart), never get to talk on the phone again, how I loved our marathon ($1000 phone bills) phone conversations, never get to have you by my side when I am in the hospital again, you were so good, whispering in my ear how I was your big girl and "you're doing so good, it will all be over soon," never have you pick out clothes or shoes for me again, never get to dress up for you again, just for you always, never get to two step or slow dance with you again, never have you comb out, color, braid, or take care of my hair, never get to do yours again, with that alien goo, never get to take a shower with you again (did we ever take a shower alone? I don't think so), never get to wash your hair, wash you, wash those feet, never get to shave you again, I loved doing that (you're the only person I know who trusted me enough with that sharp of instrument to their throat), never have anyone who will be proud of me again (at least no one that I care about), you never got to finish that letter to Gebo, never get to open that tattoo parlor in Deep Ellum with Roy, never get to see you in a tux, or buy you that trench coat that you looked so good in this winter, never get to do the trampoline thing (everytime we went to Sam's one of us would say it), never get to hear you say again, "Who's my peanut? Who's my butterfly? Who's my sweet baby girl?" "Who's my angel baby?" "Who's my sweet pea?" never get to go to Amsterdam and get a Royo tattoo with my face, never get to go see Gary Stewart at Southern Junction, or Bowling for Soup downtown, can't go back to Mexico, never get to take the pictures we wanted, in front of that store in downtown El Paso with the Jake and Elwood statues, or the 'Fandango' Bar, we were gonna take those last time, but it was already dark, bookstores, never get to go spend hours with you in Half Priced Books again, never have your hand grab mine when 'Slide' comes on, never get to have those huge strong hands on my hips again, can't go back to the desert, never go back to Highway 666 (we got the road to hell in front of us Mal...), you'll never get to see this site progress, how you'd always love to see what little comments I had put on the bottom of the pages, never get to have our own website, never get to have your child (Tristan Wolfe, Gage, or Gabriel), never get to die together, go out the way we should have, never get to smell your sweet smell again (your clothes are already fading), never be able to surrender myself again, be myself at all, never get to take that long train ride, just the two of us alone together for hours, never get to take that romantic picnic in the pasture in Henrietta like you planned, you said everytime you heard Marina Del Rey you would think of doing that with me when he says, "She spread a blanket that they laid down on and loved the world away..." never get to finish our scrapbook, it has so many pages left, a lifetime of love that should have been, should have been left for our kids, never get to have our pictures made professionally, never get to do the ones with just our left hands, holding hands, showing off our wedding rings, I don't even have your wedding ring...

So many reasons to just let go,
Come to you...,
I wanna wake up where you are...
I don't really want to live this life...
Do you wanna die?
I know I must die to get to you...

"My hours are slumberless
Dearest,
the shadows
I live with
are numberless
Little white flowers
will never awaken you
Not where the black coach
of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought
of ever returning you
Would they be angry
if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
with shadows
I spend it all
My heart and I
have decided to end it all
Soon there will be flowers
and prayers that are said
and I know
Let them not weep
let them know
that I am glad to go...."

-Reszo Seress


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