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Coincidences (Fate) 1999
Premonitions Regarding Your Death
Circles
Music
Movies
Rain/Rayne
Grandma
Dreams
Since Your Death
Miscellaneous
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So many things over 14 years...

Coincidences (Fate) 1999
I hadn't seen you since I left Wichita Falls in 1995,
but my thoughts of you (and yours of me) were never far...

When I would want to hide things on the computer before
Michael and I got divorced, I would always use one of our 'passwords',
things that only you or I would know.

I started thinking of you everyday, and not being able to do that
'pushing away' that we were both so familiar with,
those feelings sneaking up on you before you know it,
but keeping the face on because you had to,
having to put it out of your mind to keep the pain away.

Michael brought me a CD one night in March,
a CD that wasn't made anymore,
that he found in a bargain bin,
that he knew I was always looking for,
but never knew why, that CD was Vinnie Vincent.
I hurt for days after he handed it to me,
I was losing the ability to hide it at that point.

Watching the 'Wedding Singer' with Hilary and Michael,
and fighting tears all the way through it
cause it reminded me so much of you and me.
Everytime you did the dishes,
which was always cause you knew I hated it,
I would think of that song.
They end up on a plane to Vegas.
We talked later about how I would give you the window seat
when you finally did get to fly on a plane,
that never happened in the flesh,
but I know you were with me on the flight
to and from Dallas after you died.

After Michael and I split up, and I was so sick,
thinking I was going to die,
(and I could have according to the doctor),
my thoughts were of nothing but you,
how I didn't want to die without seeing you again,
and then 'Dead Again' came on,
and I thought,
well even though we didn't get to be together again in this life,
we'll be together in the next.
During the same time period, when I was bed ridden,
I saw 'Conspiracy Theory' for the first time on HBO,
and it made me think of you so much,
that nobody else ever loved me that way but you,
and I never wanted anybody else to.
Of course when we watched it together later,
you pointed out that he gives her sunflowers.

When Michael finally asked me, after we were in the process of the divorce,
he asked me, "You have never been all the way in this marriage, why not?"
And I told him cause I have always been in love with somebody else.
Then when we ran into him at the mall that October,
he said, "Is this the Scott?"
I just giggled, and grabbed your arm tighter, and said "Yes!"
You asked me later what that was all about.

When I was finally 'free', I started looking for you immediately.
I put up your website, (Unfortunately, it has changed a lot since then)
which you found within a month of me creating it,
little did I know, you were searching frantically for me too.
I added things to my profile to say that I was looking for you,
got a listed phone number, I even added my name to Classmates,
trying to leave any kind of trail for you to find.

I never went out (except to class and back)
and I just thought about the day
when I would find you, or if I would find you.
I got out my old answering machine tape that
I had kept for years because it had your voice on it.
At night, every night, I would put on a walkman,
with a tape of our songs, and go out walking,
screaming to you in my head,
'You swore I'd never be lonely!'
or 'If you only knew how much I miss you...'
How I had 'Sweet Jane' on that tape,
and I didn't even know that it was on the NBK Soundtrack,
but that song always made me think of you anyway,
which was a wierd thing
when we watched NBK together for the first time,
it is also one of the 'circles'.
I'd go talk to the horses about you, it was cold out,
and I'd walk past the stables on campus on my way home,
and I'd stop for a second cause the stables were heated,
and I could get warm. And I'd pet the horses,
and ask them where they thought you were.
Good thing nobody was around at that time of night,
they would have thought I was nuts.

I would go to the all night laundrymat to do laundry,
and one night I was there at about 3 AM,
and I took all your letters from '88-'89,
and sat there and read them and cried,
but never once did it cross my mind
that they weren't still how you were feeling.
I thought at the time
that I could feel the love coming off of them,
and I remember whispering through tears,
"Please Bubba, please find me."
A month later, when we were there doing laundry together,
it didn't seem real.
I couldn't believe it!
I thought I was going to wake up,
it felt like I was in heaven,
better than winning the lottery,
better than anything on Earth!

A week before you found me,
Hilary's pet mouse (which I had inherited) died,
and I couldn't handle disposing of it,
and I started crying, begging for you to HURRY!

I had the Series10 Guitars poster
that you gave me in '89 on my fridge,
you had scratched across the top of it,
"I love you Vanessa..."
(That is also where I go the name Blondiee10,
which I have used for years.)

At school, I would pass the Psychology lounge everyday,
and I would think how I would love to sneak in there
with you one dark night, and then we did!

How I had kept your shotglass that you gave me on New Years Eve 1989.
You still had the ticket you got back in '89, when you 'Drove All Night'
from Waco to take care of me when I was so sick with strep.

How 'little' guys were always the ones I thought
were the best looking, like Stephen Dorff,
cause they always reminded me of you.

Buying you all that stuff at the Bugle Boy store in El Paso,
when in '89, you sent me all those Bugle Boy tags. (Circle Closing?)

When we found each other,
we both had Castor Troy quotes on our profiles.
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Premonitions Regarding Your Death...
About a week and a half before you died,
I had one of the most vivid dreams I have ever had.
I woke up and told you about it,
although I left out the feeling of forboding that went with it,
and simply told you the beauty of it.
The setting was a city on the clouds,
the closet thing I can compare it to is 'The Empire Strikes Back',
although this is really not the case,
but the best comparison I can come up with.
Out every window, you could see clouds,
but they weren't regular clouds they were golden clouds,
like everything had a touch of gold to it, that made it shimmer.
It was truly beautiful.
I was in a gorgeous wedding dress, obviously ready to get married.
I remember the dress was uncomfortable, the lace was itchy,
but the beauty of it far outweighed the discomfort.
Rayne was there looking positively radiant,
she had pink and offwhite roses woven into her hair.
I remember I could smell them,
and I could feel the softness of her hand in mine
as she stood with me outside the main chamber,
getting ready to drop her rose petals
down the ailse in front of me for me to step on.
It wasn't a church, more like a meeting hall of some sort
that had been totally decked out
with all manner of beautiful flowers and decorations.
I remember peeking through the doors,
and seeing you standing there,
holding your hands in front of you.
You were in a tux (something I always wanted to see you in, and never got to)
looking so handsome, I was beside myself with the sight of you.
I remember thinking that this must be heaven,
that nothing could feel this good and be real.
At this point, right before I was set to walk down the aisle,
my aunt shows up. She is insistant on talking with me.
I tell her it is impossible, that I am obviously busy,
that I don't want her or any of my blood family there.
I tell her to leave. I suddenly have a sense of urgency that scares me.
I start to feel what I can only descibe as panic.
She again tries to get me to listen
says that I have to listen.
At this point I become so agitated that I wake up.

Two things should be noted here, my aunt has a strong psychic gift,
on one previous occasion, when I was 16 years old,
and set out to take my own life at about 2AM,
she almost a state away, woke up, called my mother,
and told her that she had to look for me NOW,
and gave my mother every detail of what I planned to do.
I had told no one of my plans,
but she knew down to the location that I had picked out.
I have not gotten along with my family for most of my life,
my aunt is no exception. By and large they are a group
of toxic, dysfunctional people that I was much better off without.
I had not thought of them or seen any of them in years.
So her showing up like that in my dream, and the feelings that
accompanied it, gave me the feeling that something
was trying to be conveyed to me, and that it was a warning.

It should also be noted, that this closed a circle for me
after you died. Back in the early '90's, I watched 'Another World,'
and was a pretty big fan. There was a couple on there, a 'True Love'
couple by the names of Vicki and Ryan.
They always reminded me of you and I,
always something or someone keeping them apart.
However, then he dies, and they get married in heaven.
I cried and cried when I watched it, it bothered me for days.
It was another thing that I didn't know why it bothered me,
but it did. I related even though there was no reason
why I should at that point. So about a month after you died,
that all came flooding back to me and the circle closed,
from the tears when I first watched that show,
to the experiencing the dream, to the telling you about the
good parts of the dream on the way to the store the next day,
to the realization as to what the dream really meant.
Which to me was both a message of sadness and joy,
that our wedding in the afterlife, or our rejoining
will be much more spectacular than anything that could be
experienced here on earth.

When we were at Sam's a week before you died,
we were shopping
and having a good time just being together as we always did,
and when we went to buy this big package of toliet paper,
the voice in my head, said
"You won't finish that package,
it will have to be packed."
I tried to dismiss it,
but it scared me because I knew
the only reason I would move,
is if something happened to you.
I didn't say anything to you about it,
but I threw my arms around you and started to cry a little.
You kept asking me what was wrong.

On our birthdays, we were on a Mexico trip,
I went into that bathroom that we always stopped at
to change clothes and get ready,
and I looked in the mirror,
and I knew it would be the last time I would get ready there,
and the last time we would go to Mexico.
I tried to talk myself out of it,
or justify why we wouldn't be going again,
but it bothered me.
Later that night,
when we decided to go to State Line and eat,
you said we could just skip it,
but I said no, no let's go,
cause something in me said this will be the last chance
you have to go there with him.

A week before you died, we were at Wal-Mart
and you said to me that we needed to get the movie 'City of Angels.'
You said that I needed to see it,
because that was how you really felt about me,
and it always made you think of us when we were apart,
and that his speech at the end was how you always thought,
especially when people would ask if I was really worth it,
if the pain and loneliness was worth it,
or the putting up with me was worth it...etc.
You said that you wouldn't give up one moment with me,
but to understand it really, I'd have to see it...
For some reason, we didn't buy it,
but I've seen it now baby, and I understand.

Also, the week before, I bought you all new socks,
new clothes, got your haircut,
some part of me was wanting to believe that these things
would some how invalidate the feeling that I had
that something was going to happen to you.
Like if you had new socks,
that meant you had to stick around.
I know that sounds crazy,
but I was in such a panic about it...

The one morning you went out to get me donuts,
like you did every morning,
but you were gone longer than usual.
By the time you got home I was hysterical.
I was sure you were already gone,
that something had happened to you.
You got home and thought I was nuts
when I ran over to you and said,
'Don't ever scare me like that again!'
I was so sure you were already dead,
that I was talking to you in my head
the whole time you were gone that morning,
the way I have to do now.

A few nights before you died,
we went out and got that wood
for the shelf for the bathroom,
but I knew it would never get put up.

A year before you died, or there abouts,
we were laying in bed at Finley,
and I started to really cry, and made you promise,
made you swear that
we wouldn't end up
like 'Leaving Las Vegas,'
that if need be, we would just pull an 'NBK' if things got bad enough,
and you said, "I promise I promise," but then you said,
"Wait a minute, you haven't seen 'Leaving Las Vegas'"...
it was the movie that was playing
when I woke up and found you a year later...

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Circles
All my life, I have what I call 'circles.'
This definately falls in the 'coincidence' catagory.
It started out when I was little,
and I would have flashes of things that were going to happen,
but they weren't clear images, like premonitions as much,
because generally before they happened, I couldn't interpret them.
Sometimes I could, but often times, I wouldn't know what it meant.
I call them circles, because, until the circle closes,
I don't know what the information means.
These are also general and specific.
A specific one would be the toliet paper incident.
At the time, I had no idea what it meant, only that is upset me,
and it was unpleasant. I had totally forgotten about it,
until I went back to close up the apartment,
and then I saw the huge pack of toliet paper,
and in that instance, I knew what the premonition had meant,
and the circle closed.

A good example of a 'general' one,
would be the feeling my whole life
that I would lose my husband, and be devastated.
I would even have thoughts of what the funeral would be like,
and not being able to handle it.
Since the first minute that I heard the song,
'If I had Only Known,'
I thought that I would want to play it at the funeral,
but since I couldn't have specific thoughts about you dying
as a matter of fact, my mind totally rejected that,
(the truth is, the thought
that you were still on this Earth
had kept me alive more than once)
so I always assumed that song made me think of you,
cause we were lost to each other so often.
Seperated by our sense of duty, and by the treachery of others.
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Music
When I first heard the song 'Sweet Jane'
as performed by The Cowboy Junkies,
I was shocked out of what I was doing, and forced to listen.
I'll never forget, I was sitting on the floor of my grandmother's bedroom,
it had to be '87 or '88, and I think the show was 'Saturday Night Live'.
For no reason at all, I thought, "That song will be important to you someday."
I had heard it a few times since, but not very often.
Then in 1999, when I was missing you so bad,
I went looking to download it, along with a lot of other Scott music.
Then you turned up, and it turned up on NBK...
"I see the future, and there's no death, cause you and I were angels.."

All my life, the songs that have touched me the deepest,
the ones I most related to were ones about loss,
and loss of a true love.
It's like I knew that eventually they would apply to me,
so better get used to it now.
A good example would be 'Please Dear,' which came out in '90.
'See You On the Other Side'
Or 'Far Behind', which was during our '95 ordeal...
What is 'coincidental' about this,
is that you had the exact same things.
Like you told me that 'November Rain,'
especially the video made you think of us.
Or 'Trying to Get Over You' (but it'll take dyin' to get it done...)
I recently found the lyrics to 'Living in a Moment'
that I had typed up for you last year on this rose paper.
I had forgotten that I had done it, but it made you cry,
and you said that was how you felt exactly...
I think the thing of it was,
that we both knew that we were going to be
seperated by death, and young,
seperated, and after we had fought so hard,
and so long, to be together,
and then were so happy,
that you decided that you couldn't be the one
standing over my grave.
When we found that old man at Hillcrest
sobbing uncontrollably over his wife's grave, you said,
"That would never be me. I wouldn't last a week."

Another one of the ones that made us
think of each other while we were apart is 'Love, Me'
or 'Hey Jealousy', or even 'Yer So Bad'
People wouldn't believe it,
that we had the exact same thoughts,
about the exact same songs,
but I could give a damn what people believe.
I have never known anybody with a love of music to match my own,
except you. Like you always said,
"Life should have a soundtrack..."
As I have said, there has never been a song
that you 'gave me' that I didn't love, and vice versa.
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Movies
True Romance
The Crow/Detroit connection
Her saying, she never thought she'd find
'true love' in detroit,
Two actors from 'The Crow'
are in this movie, the mother, and Tin Tin,
also he talks about a comic
where the lead character wears a ring
around his neck from his lost love.

He says, "She tastes like a peach,"
you always called me your peach,
after we found each other again,
and we both had Castor Troy quotes on our profiles,
yours was, "I can eat a peach for hours..."

He's eating animal crackers,
and says "Save the gorillas..."
how you would always save
the donkey's (jackass's) in yours,
then call them Paul,
and bite their heads off...

She is watching Santa Barbara
when he comes home,
this is really freaky...
since we used to skip school all the time to watch it,
and how my nickname for you was 'Sonny,'
and is still...

He tells her that in his movie
(the movie of their life)
she would get top billing,
we would always say the same to each other,
notice that on everything that I have created,
it is always 'Scott & Vanessa',
but of course
you came up with V&S Syndrome...

The first thing they did after they got married,
is go get tattooed,
we didn't even wait to get married,
we did it before...

The way she calls him 'Sweetie'
just like I used to you...

The whole phone booth episode,
how many times did we have to pull over
on our road trips...

Him using the James Dean quote,
that we have been saying for years...
'Live fast, die young, and leave a good lookin corpse...'(Giant)

Their wedding rings are the ring that
Brad Pitt steals in 'Kalifornia',
the whole Brad Pitt connection...

Starman
The movie Starman always made me think of you.
The very first time I saw it was back in '89,
and it made me have an uneasy feeling.
I felt like I should call you, and make sure you were OK.
I remember laying on that blue couch,
missing you, worrying about you.
Now you could rationalize this by saying
that it had to do with the lead character's name
being Scott, but I knew that wasn't it.
I knew when I saw it, that it would be me some day.
I berate myeslf for this knowledge know,
like some how that 15 year old girl
should have known
and prevented this outcome.
At the begining of the movie, she is flipping through a scrapbook
of her and her husband who had just died,
watching old home movies.
The other wierd thing about it was,
a few weeks before you died, I saw that it was going to be on
and told you we should watch it
cause it always made me think of you.
The only part we caught was them in Vegas,
and other places we had been on our honeymoon, Winslow,
which was also a bit strange in and of itself.
She talks of how beautiful their honeymoon was,
and how love means being a part of each other.

They aren't able to have children,
but they wanted them. Fandango
When we were in Galveston in 1989,
we watched the movie 'Fandango'.
We never got to watch the end of it though,
and you said you never had either. (Too painful.)
When we finally watched the whole thing in 2001, what a freak out!
The coincidences were incredible, or as we call it, just fate!
"Can't stop fate..."
They are going on a roadtrip, and it is the roadtrip
that we took once a month to Mexico.
We would always pass this little burned out bar,
and we would always says we were gonna stop and check it out,
then there it was on the movie and they stopped at it!
They are heading to Mexico for one,
but it looks like it is filmed at the Gorge instead.
Then the wedding in the movie takes place in Mesilla,
which when you found me, is where I was living.
The guy flies to pick up the bride in Dallas,
and he flies over the highway we drove on everyday,
as that is where we were living then in 2001.
Then, the only other movie we watched that Galveston trip, was 'Giant',
and the other place they go on their trip is to see where 'Giant' was filmed.
On our Mexico CD, a music CD we made for the trips to Mexico,
'Can't Find My Way Home' was one of the first songs.
As the movie ends, that is the song that is playing.
At the end of the movie, he is sitting on an overlook,
and it is the overlook on the way into El Paso that I always used to take,
that scared you so bad, cause it is up the side of the mountain.
Before you moved in with me, you'd never been to the mountains.

There was a Lifetime movie that I saw in 1992 one day,
and I cried, and cried, and thought of you so much.
The movie was 'Surviving a Family Crisis,'
starring Molly Ringwald, and River Phoenix.
It was about two teenagers, who weren't allowed to be together,
and they end up killing themselves.
They get in the garage, and turn on the car,
and die in each other's arms.
At the time, I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much,
much less why it reminded me so much of you, and us.
Since of the two uncles I lost to suicide,
one chose this way,
and since we had been prevented from being together,
I thought that was it, but I knew that wasn't it.
I knew there was more to it.
Now the circle has closed, and I understand why.

Lethal Weapon
There is a scene in Lethal Weapon that has always got to me,
bothered me, I wrote down once that it bothered me,
that I missed that kind of love in one of my notebooks, which was in '92,
it caused a big fight betweeen Michael and I,
anyway, the scene with Mel Gibson with the gun in his mouth,
and his wedding pictures in his lap
is one of the most accurate potrayals of grief,
I have ever seen.
Michael pointed out to me once,
when he is at her grave at the end of the movie,
that her name is Victoria Lynn,
and mine is Vanessa Leigh,
it had ring of truth to me,
that it would be me carved in stone before my time,
a flash of a circle yet to come...

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Rain/Rayne
When we first got together, one of our favorite things to do
was go sit in the car at the stadium parking lot and watch the storms.
Since we lived in Wichita Falls, Texas,
home of one of the world's biggest tornados,
we often had a lot to watch.
Some of the favorite moments of my life were there,
watching the sky flash blue, purple, and white.
Even though I probably should have been,
I never once felt afraid there with you.
You always made me feel safe, no matter what the situation.

We we baby sitting Hilary that one time,
and the sirens went off.
I'll never forget us picking her up and putting her in the closet.
Listening to the wind sound like it was going to blow the roof right off,
and not really caring cause if we were going to go,
we were going to go together.

Or on our way to Galveston, we drove through
one of the worst hurricanes South Texas has seen.
Driving through Houston, and having it lose all power,
not being able to see anything, barely making it to Galveston,
and getting stuck there cause it washed the bridge to the mainland out,
and flooded the whole city.
Sitting in the car with you that night, eating peanut butter and crackers,
watching the lightning, then the rain started flooding up over the doors,
into the car, we knew it was time to get moving again.

Going to watch 'The Crow' on Devil's Night 2001 at midnight,
hearing the rain howl outside the theater, knowing it was storming bad outside.
When we walked out, you turned to me and said, "It Can't Rain All the Time."

In March of 2001, that really bad storm,
you had just gotten home from work, and I was so glad,
cause the thunder was really freaking me out it was so loud.
The electricity had been going off all day, on and off,
making all kinds of wierd noises.
Then, a really loud clap of thunder sent me,
literally, jumping in your arms.
You held me there, rocking me back and forth,
just whispering calming words in my ears,
and later you told me that you liked it
that I turned to you with any kind of 'fear',
because you knew I rarely felt it,
and even if I did, there wasn't another living soul
that I would show it to.
You said it made taking care of me all the more sweet,
since you knew I wouldn't let anyone else do it.

When we finally got back together, and 'compared notes' on music,
we found that so many songs that had made us think of each other,
were about Rain, or mentioned Rain.
Such as 'Like the Rain,' 'This Is Me Missing You,'
'If I Had Only Known,' 'Here Comes the Rain,'
'November Rain,'
etc. etc. etc...

Of course, Rain and storms always made us think of each other,
miss each other, when we weren't together.
I remember during the 'Summer of Discontent' as you called it, ('89)
sitting in my grandmother's car,
listening to 'I Remember You', over and over,
watching the streaks of rain pouring down the windows,
thinking...'Woke up to the sounds of pouring rain...'

This scene and song, became ours...

Then of course there is the fact
that you chose your daughter's name,
and you named her Rayne...

One of the great days we had with the kids,
was that day in July, when I think of that day,
I remember Rayne running in and jumping in my arms,
but something about the memory always bothered me,
like it was different from regular memories,
and I finally realized what it was,
I was seeing myself and Rayne,
I was seeing us from where you were standing,
I was seeing it through your eyes instead of my own,
which wasn't uncommon for us,
I just don't know why I never realized it before.

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Grandma
My Great-Grandma died when I was about five, she died of cancer,
and we were living with her as it happened,
I remember not exactly understanding,
but spending a lot of time alone.
It should be noted, that the only times I felt safe,
or secure as a child
were at my Grandmother's house.
I know a lot of people would say
that is why I have had some of these experiences,
but in reality I know that is not true.
The experiences I have had about my grandmother are very strong,
and her personality can not be denied, as she was a very strong lady.
As a five year old, it wasn't something I recognized,
she was just Grandma,
but over the years I have heard many stories about her,
that just reinforce that her presence
that I have always felt around me is really her.
Some things you just know,
and Scott said the same thing about her.
In our apartment, our bedroom door, would be closed
and it wasn't a door that would close on it's own,
as a matter of fact,
you couldn't even close it a little,
it would swing open.
So, when we would get up in the middle of the night,
and it would be closed, and neither of us had closed it,
I would say that Grandma had done it.
It would usually happen when I had been talking
or thinking about her too.
Anyway, we finally asked her to stop closing that door,
cause the hallway was dark, and if you assumed the door would be open,
since we never closed it,
you would walk right into it.
So after we both asked her to quit closing that door
cause we were running into it,
she did, and the door was never closed again,
however, then the kitchen cabniets starting opening on their own.
That was ok though, it was just her way of saying that she was there.

In the weeks before Scott died,
I got the feeling that she was around a lot,
and it was a very different feeling
than I had ever felt from her before.
One night Scott and I were watching John Edward,
and he commented that there was no one in his family
that he would want to have a reading for,
and he also said that he wouldn't have anyone to meet him when he crossed,
and before I even thought about it, I said, "Grandma would meet you."
Of course, in life, he never met my Grandma,
but I know she kept her promise to me,
and met him when he crossed.
She has also told me that I don't need to worry about him so much,
that she was taking care of things.

When I was working on Like Water For Chocolate,
I came across this picture that I had captured
and not even known that I had,
and in my mind she flashed, "See that's me,
always looking after you two."

I wasn't thinking of her at all when this happened,
I wasn't thinking of any of it.
It was conveyed more in feelings than words,
which is hard to explain.
But the essence of it was, that yours is a great love story,
it is special and deserves protection and growth,
it was also that she had known that kind of love,
and wanted to do it for us.
This was after Scott's death,
which I guess I should take as another
affirmation that 'True Love Never Dies.'
It has also prompted me
to look into my grandparents marriage more.
They were married 50 years,
and even though I have never really felt my Grandfather around much,
it is he just thinks that she is better at handling these things.
From what I have heard since,
this was very much the way their relationship was in life.

I have had many worries for Scott since he crossed,
it was our job to take care of each other,
and I can't do my part now,
I feel helpless and useless.
She has told me several times, in her very forceful,
yet loving way, that she is helping him.
That I don't need to worry about this so much.
My mother, who knows none of this, came to me recently,
and said she had this weird dream about Grandma.
She said that Grandma had been helping her at her office,
but she never really said anything to her,
and she had a younger man with her,
that my mother didn't recognize.
My mother wouldn't recognize Scott,
she hasn't seen him in 14 years.
The dream meant nothing to her, but it meant a lot to me.
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Dreams
Since you died, I have had many dreams with you in them.
Some that were visits, some that weren't.
I rarely dreamed of you before, once we were together,
so the fact that you show up so often now says a lot.
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Since Your Death
On my way back from the doctor in Florida,
my flight was delayed, and I ended up taking a later
flight. On this flight I met a wonderful woman named Ruth.
I was drawn to talk to her, although I am
usually a quiet person, I found myself talking up a storm.
Come to find out, we had similar circumstances,
she said she was very glad we met, and I was too.
I gave her my e-mail, and address.
I hope she writes.
I don't think it was a coincidence that we met.

I was working on the website one afternoon,
watching John Edward on TV,
and talking to you in my head,
asking you if you were going to come through,
what would you come through with?
You had so many nicknames for me,
and I was thinking about those,
and all of the sudden it popped in my head,
"If I was going to come through with Peanut,
I wouldn't let it be about elephants or the Circus."

The next day when I was watching John Edward on TV,
he said he needed to say something about Peanuts,
or the nickname Peanut,
but he knew it didn't have anything to do
with elephants or the circus.
I burst into tears,
cause I knew that was your way
of saying to me,
"Who's my Peanut? Who's my butterfly?"
Don't get me wrong,
I don't think you were speaking to John Edward,
but you knew I'd be watching,
and that was a message I would understand,
and I did.

A few weeks after your death,
I was sitting in my mother's living room,
watching the movie 'The Green Mile'.
All of the sudden, I started hearing this LOUD
electrical noise. I started asking my mother,
"What the hell is that noise?" "Aren't you hearing this?"
She didn't know what in the world I was talking about.
She couldn't hear it.
It got so loud, that I couldn't hear her,
it drowned everything else out.
To this day, I don't know what it was,
it never happened again, but I think it was you.

Two weeks after your death, when I went back to Dallas
too close up the apartment, and say goodbye to our home,
by the airplane ride home, I was pretty much praying for death.
The absence of you being so great, the one pain that I couldn't
handle on my own, and you being the only person who has ever been
able to comfort me, much less try, I was feeling pretty hopeless.
Needing some sign from you, that you were still with me,
that I wasn't really abandonded here
with this pitiful human being (my mother),
any sign that you were still there, and I wasn't really alone.
Just when I had about given up, I felt a gentle push to look up,
it reminded me of when you would take my face in your hands when I was
upset and make me look at you, forcefully, but gently at the same time.
As I exited the plane with tears in my eyes,
there before me was a huge, wall size picture
of a sunflower. At the very moment that I saw it,
an announcement came over the loud speaker, that the plane I was
exiting, was continuing on to Las Vegas.

Last night, 1/25/02, I had the TV on while I was working,
and this AFLAC commercial came on,
the Grand Canyon one,
and there is this donkey on it,
and you said LOUD in my head, "Look, it's Paul!"
I died laughing, I knew it was you, cause I wasn't even really watching it,
or thinking about what it was, and that is just the kind of thing
you would say to make me laugh...

I called you Sugar Bear, it was one of my nicknames for you,
I had cut out a Sugar Bear picture off of a box of Super Sugar Crisp
to make a background out of,
but I stuck the cutout in a box with all the rest of our personal stuff,
the box it is in has a lid on it,
but that Sugar Bear cutout managed to
fall out of that box on the table 3 times,
I'd pick it up, open the box and put it back in,
I'd hear something, and turn around
and it would be out of the box again on the table.

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Miscellaneous
When we were sleeping in the Malibu
('Ditched in the Malibu!'),
on the beach in Galveston in '89,
we woke up and there was the exact same car,
color, year, make, everything, was circling us!
We were the only two cars on the beach,
and my first thought, since I wasn't really awake yet,
was, "Someone stole my car!"
You started laughing, and said, "We're in your car!"
I had to kinda do a Butthead response, "Oh yeah..I forgot..."

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"Sic Luceat Lux..."
"Thus light shine..."

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